Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I no longer believe this is the end for me; however, I am not completely convinced that this "faith" is based in anything more tangible than the desire to cling to the impossible. Regardless, something indefinable has shifted within me...letting me know that I'm going to be okay.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Developing within me is an absolute obsession with the fledgling blog of an acquaintance (a veteran entertainer-cum-writer whom I once considered a friend). It is humiliating to have one’s delusions shattered. Nonetheless I could not believe the superficiality of the pseudo-intellectual claptrap spread across my “screen” like cyber-manure, befouling everything I thought I knew about this individual. Not to mention they things for which I thought he stood. The part of me in the foolish hope that he will protest the nonsense-making it clear that he does not appreciate the blatant pandering, flattering, sycophant condescension, and general artifice—continues to log on in an almost desperate manifestation of naiveté. Something in me welcomes the sight for any indication that this person who once held my unshaken belief and admiration is not so vainly self-absorbed (so narcissistic) as to not only accept such sickeningly, transparent toadying but to encourage it, perhaps even prefer it as well.
To my dismay however, no such evidence have, as yet, materialized. The sobering, even crushing truth, I find I must face is that someone I once respected and admired is not the person I thought him to be. Such a reality is devastating for anyone to face; therefore at this point in my life—when I am facing perhaps the most daunting challenge any human being can or will encounter—it is annihilating. My biggest problem—the trap into which I fall—as a human being is the snare of getting swept away by my ability (one might even call it a propensity) to identify the “good” or the “best´ in others. Having seen even the faintest glimmering of beauty or majesty, kindness or generosity, compassion or any indication of deeper dimension on some quintessential level in an individual, my tendency is to expect the aspects to—for the most part—define that person (other than simply represent qualities present or visible when he or she is operating at his or her best). As such, my expectations sway towards that “best” and/or their “finest”…
Only to be pulverized when faced with the sledgehammer force of the truth; that what I have celebrated in that person are the aberrations, not the norm.